When Mediocre Fanfiction Writers Go Bad
by ipio
Summary: Big time SI. This is what happens when you push a lousy author too far.


From the depths of a surreal laboratory in a closely guarded location, two voices could barely be made out.

"Now Akane, What is your mission?"

A crazed hybrid of an otaku/scientist, wearing a lab coat and a girl-type Ranma T-shirt (bought at Otakon 2001) spoke to another young woman who was sitting on an examination table. The girl was pretty, with short bluish-black hair and emotionless eyes. She was wearing a black leather catsuit and looked ready to kill.

"To eliminate all blatantly disgraceful fanfiction writers. Writers of fanfiction so horrid, that reading it robs you of I.Q. points."

"Very good. What falls under that category?"

The girl, Akane, repeated the categories with amazing accuracy.

"One, poor grammar. If an author has not taken the time to attempt to make his/her story grammatically accurate, he/she deserves punishment."

"Two, misspellings. Spellcheck is simple and takes seconds to complete. If a writer doesn't care enough about his story to pre-read and spellcheck, they will taste our wrath. Those who misspell the summary of the story will not only die, but be tortured as well."

"Three, story chapters consisting of two paragraphs or less. This is not a chapter; this is part of a chapter. If an author is so impatient that he/she cannot wait until they have more to write, they will feel that pain of annoyed readers."

"Four, putting a Japanese phrase in the middle of a sentence. Examples are 'arigato very much' and 'watasi will take care of you'. People who don't know the language enough to realize that looks stupid, but still want to parade around the few Japanese terms that they know are disgusting. Idiotic show offs must die."

"Wonderful!" The mad otaku/scientist clapped her hands in joy. "Now, what is the biggest problem you must eliminate?"

"Writing out of character. Any and all who write as such must be eliminated."

"Good girl. What falls under that category?"

"In your words, an uber-PMSing Akane throughout the entire story. If she does nothing but wield a mallet and exclaim 'RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!!' for the duration of the fiction, the writer must die."

"A Ranma that suddenly becomes a genius for no apparent reason. Examples are suddenly being able to match wits with Tendo Nabiki, or sitting down in the dojo after the failed wedding and miraculously coming up with an idea for getting rid of all the fiancées, when Ranma couldn't do that throughout the entire span of eight years that the series ran."

"And speaking of the series, what is another crime punishable by death?"

"Taking the word of the anime over the word of the manga."

"Excellent. Remember; don't just stop at Ranma ½. Fanfiction that violates our rules under any category must be eliminated, and the writer disposed of."

"I understand"

Akane walked out of the laboratory and the otaku/scientist called after her.

"Good, then go! Make your creator proud! Punish those who abuse the power of omnipotence we fanfiction writers are trusted with! And go kill the man who invented ads that pop up fifty at a time while you're at it!"

####################################

Several weeks later, the same otaku, this time dressed in a black T-shirt with a picture of p-chan on it, sat at her computer pretending not to be considering looking up some good hentai websites. Her thoughts were interrupted when the only other living being that was able to gain access to the lab walked inside.

"Akane! You're finally back! How did everything go."

"Satisfactory. I printed a list of all criminals who have been disposed of."

Akane pulled out a rather long list and handed it to the otaku. She perused it and smiled. "Wonderful! Wonderful! You make me proud!"

Akane nodded, and paused. "But…there is one left."

"What? Go get them!"

Given the order, Akane reached for her gun and aimed it at the otaku's forehead.

"Ipio. You are charged with breaking all five of the basic fanfiction rules."

"What is this?" A look of confusion crossed Ipio's face.

"Rule number one. Poor grammar. Your essay, recently posted on ff.net, A Study of the Spirit World, is almost impossible to read."

"B-But, it's an essay! Not Fanfiction!"

"Rule number two, misspellings. I could only find one story you have written that does not have at least five."

"That's impossible! I use spellcheck! I pre-read!" At this point Ipio was starting to get red with indignation.

"Rule number three, Short story chapters. Your Gundam Wing Fanfiction, Forgotten Memories, had several disgustingly short chapters."

"Hey, they were a bit longer than two paragraphs…." At this point a bit a fear crept into the author.

"Rule number four, dropping Japanese phrases in the middle of a sentence. In said Gundam Wing fanfiction, Wufie calls Duo a 'braided baka'."

"Well…it's comedy…" Ipio shrugged hopelessly

"And rule number five, writing out of character. In Forgotten Memories the young men are completely out of character. Duo is overly happy, Wufei is overly angry, the list goes on and on."

"It was my first fanfiction! You gotta cut me some slack!"

"Not to mention, this very fanfiction portrays me out of character. Since when am I some Dark Angel/Heero Yuy hybrid?"

"See, that's part of the humor. I kidnapped you from your world and turned you into a fanfiction vigilante…course I didn't exactly _include_ that part….my readers are supposed to infer it…it's funny! HA! Get it?"

Now Ipio was shaking in fear. She had done it. She had violated her own rules. And now her own character was going to kill her for it…

"For these crimes and more, you must be eliminated. Goodbye Ipio"

####################################

A videotape of a little girl at the zoo, followed by numerous yearbook and dance pictures flickered across the t.v. screen, accompanied by sad background music.

After awhile, the pictures were replaced with a video of a nice looking woman in her late 40's. She spoke slowly, fighting back tears.

"My niece died because she got into a world that she wasn't ready for. Her creations took her life, her soul, and she paid the final price for it. Don't let Molly's death be in vain. Don't make the same mistakes she did."

The woman paused and wiped a tear from her eye.

"Don't do bad fanfiction"

###################################

"Damn. I was hoping they'd use The Real Folk Blues as the back round music."

Molly, now eternally known as Ipio, shook her head and sighed.

"Get back to work!"

"Hey!" Ipio cringed as a low-class demon with a spear nudged her in the ass with a hot poker. She sighed and went back to her punishment.

Re-writing the phone book. Word for word and ad for ad. For all eternity.

With Yu-Gi-Oh playing in the background.

The Kid's WB version

And that my friends, is eternal damnation.

####################################

Author's Note!!!!!!

This came about after reading one to many crappy fanfictions. I mean come on! Have you read some of the shit out there!? Fanfictions exist that actually make me feel dumber after having read them.

Then, halfway though this story, I went back and realized that I have shoveled a few piles onto the hill of fanfiction dung myself. So it was only fair I offed myself. I mean, this story itself is hard to read, and in a few months I probably cringe when I go over it. But for now, it satisfies my need to vent.

Thank you. You have given me five minuets of your life that you will never get back. They're all mine! HA! You can flame if you like but you'll just waste more time.


End file.
